Question:
what is the best way to become a vampire?
Rose
2012-10-03 20:35:01 UTC
i want to become a vampire asap and i dont care how
Ten answers:
Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods
2012-10-03 20:42:51 UTC
There are no such things as vampires.



1. Vampires, defined as a humanoid that MUST consume blood or energy to survive do not exist. Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I “recycle” my own answers instead of retyping them.



2. The human body is not designed to process blood for nutrition. There is not enough protein, carbohydrates, and fats present in blood to maintain a complex creature such as Homo Sapiens or any theorized offshoot mutations. When a human ingests food it is broken up into a bolus by chewing, then churned up in the stomach with digestive juices to form a mass called chyme. It then passes through the pylorus into the duodenum, part of the small intestine where it mixes with bile salts and secretions from the pancreas and liver which continue breaking it down on a molecular basis. The broken down nutrients pass through the wall of the intestines and into the bloodstream where they are carried to each cell or stored for later use. Indigestible bulk continues through the intestines, turning a dark brown from the bile.



3. A person physically unable to process his own food for nutrition therefore also could not process blood – it’s the same process. Ingested blood does not transmit directly to the veins anyway – it would be chemically broken down by the digestive system.



4. Theoretical ingestion of blood to supply these nutrients would therefore have to occur at least once a day, and would require the ingestion of the entire blood supply which could not happen as the stomach is far too small to hold that much liquid volume. Hold up your clenched fist – under normal conditions your stomach is about that size. Furthermore, such a mass would be difficult to pass thru the intestines as it has no fibrous bulk, would create an intestinal impaction, causing massive vomiting from the large concentration of iron present, and any “real” vampire would have to eventually expel the waste, which would come out as a black, tarry, smelly goo, just as stool does when blood is present from a upper GI bleed.



5. Even if a vampire feeds once a week, and his victim also becomes a vampire, that is exponential growth, with 4 iterations a month. 1st iteration: 1 makes 1, total 2. 2nd iteration: 2 make 2, total 4. 3rd iteration: 4 make 4, total 8. 4th iteration: 8 make 8, total 16. 16 vampires at the end of 1 month, 256 at the end of the 2nd month, 4096 by the end of the 3rd month, 65,536 by the end of the 4th month, 1,048,476 at the end of the 5th, and 33,572,832 vampires at the end of half a year! Do the math – vampires are a mathematical impossibility.



6.The humans who profess to be vampires are victims of an all-encompassing self induced delusion. They are as human as you or I, regardless of their claims. Note that there is absolutely no scientific or medical proof that these people derive any benefit at all from the ingestion of blood, and even worse are the so-called “psychic” vampires, because their delusion is one that they cannot substantiate with any concrete evidence at all.



7. There is no “vampire” gene. People are not “born” as vampires. When a woman goes to the hospital for prenatal care there are many tests done on mother and child, even while still in the womb, to check for many things, including genetic anomalies that result in deformities and birth defects. If such a gene existed, in today’s world with today’s technology it would have been found – we have already completely sequenced the human genome. It would also have to follow Mendel’s law of dominant/recessive gene theory. Again, the odds on that many “vampires” all escaping the notice of the medical/scientific community are so low as to be almost nonexistent. The idea that there is a global “vampire community” engaging in controlled breeding to keep the “bloodline pure” is delusional in the extreme.
Obi Wan Knievel
2012-10-04 21:03:32 UTC
I can help you with this, sort of. You can't turn into an old-school vampire, like the prince-of-darkness type with the black tuxedo who can turn into a bat, but new-generation vampires are no problem. That's because they're all either cross-dressing pantywaists or whining emo kids.



To become a vampire, you first must truly dedicate yourself to the vampire code. You attend vampire college (night classes only of course) and shop in all the vampire stores. Get yourself some dramatic black & purple makeup, red-red lipstick, some cool chains with bats on them, a few leather bracelets with bedazzlers on them, and some cool boots. Basically just watch an Ozzy video and look like that, but not ugly.



Vampire college will teach you black magic, and if you really want to impress the other vampires you spell it with a K at the end. You then buy a few dark-arts looking items at the local weirdo store, and take them to the food court in the mall where the other vampires hang out. That might be a lot of work just to get laid, but it's probably worth it.



If you want to be a real vampire, with the fangs and the mind control and the mist, you can't. I'm one of those, but I was born that way. You're either born a vampire or you're not, and that's where you're stuck. It's like being Chinese. And forget the biting thing! I don't know who came up with that, but that's not how it works. If it did, everyone would be a vampire by now. Nope, the best you can do is dress up a little and hang out with the wannabe kids. I don't mean cool kids like you, I mean those wannabe losers who think they're really just like me.



Good luck with it. And no I won't bite you. You're too young.
Max Cruise
2012-10-04 10:51:02 UTC
Sorry, you will be until your dying breath 100% HUMAN.

You cannot become something that doesn't exist.

Vampires do not exist.

Never have, never will.

Why do you believe otherwise?

Link below will be useful in the future.

Anyone telling you vampires exist or offering how to become a vampire are liars and fakes.
Dr. TJ
2012-10-04 07:51:34 UTC
Don't listen to all those silly people claiming there are no such things as vampires, you and I now better than that.



Becoming a vampire is a tricky business, first you have to spill the blood of 3 virgins true on a full moon night, you must be completely naked when you do this.



The virgins must be spaced in a evenly in a circle with their feet toward the center.



You must skip naked around them chanting Ego sum stultus ego credere aliquid mortuis ambulare non potest terra over and over. You must not stop the chant through-out the entire ritual. You must complete the circle 5 times



After skipping the circle 5 times you must move directly to the center of the circle and gaze upon the moon. You should open yourself up to receive your vampireness at this point.



After looking at the moon, you must kill the first virgin then complete the circle 5 times again. Repeat this process until all 3 virgins are dead.



At this point you need to stand in the circle of the circle again, gaze at the moon and say Ego iugulastis populo in nomine ignorantiae ego sum stultus EGO vere non debet vivere permissus erit aliquis placere phylaca me iam nunc
Alf Jones
2012-10-05 03:11:41 UTC
I do not know how to become a vampire but I can tell you how to NOT become one and you can do the opposite.



1. Go to grade school and learn some common sense

2. Use basic reasoning skills

3. Have a social life
Silvia
2012-10-04 05:42:37 UTC
If you are serious I'm going to tell you away



List of supplies



1) You're going to need white choc Grave on the choc My soul you must take



2) 3 black candles



3) salt.



You must draw a circle with a star in the middle ( with your white choc )place 3 candles in the circle in the shape of a triangle place the salt in the candles



Note you must be outside must be lit by midnight



Chant these words : oh mother of darkness I call upon your powers give me the gift of immortality



After you're done you must put out the candles and throw away the remains of your supplies In a natural water source or buried a graveyard
Shamim Reza
2012-10-04 03:59:10 UTC
Just close your eyes and think yourself as a Vampire! Oh and don't do that when you are driving
❀Crystal❀
2012-10-06 02:16:42 UTC
I have a vampire spell. Email me at koolkat51039@yahoo.com
?
2012-10-04 03:42:37 UTC
Can you please tell me what evidence you have that they exist or what brought up the question? My email is open to everyone, and I`m not mocking anybody. I just see these and never give any answer to that.
Lady of the White Rose
2012-10-04 05:25:29 UTC
drink blood...


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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