Question:
how can i become a REAL vampire?
Gabby Marie_♥
2010-01-17 18:16:10 UTC
ok im not asking this because i think its a joke. but by all means go ahead and laugh at me. some people dont think they're real. I want to prove those people wrong.
Heres some other questions i have:
When your a real vampire do fangs really pop out of your gums? ( because those sharp teeth everyone has i can bite a water bottle and make holes.)
Are there vampires all around us?
Are vampires really what hollywood made them out to be?
25 answers:
Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods
2010-01-17 22:52:24 UTC
There are no "real" vampires - your research sources were lying to you. There are no separate species of humanoid beings on this planet.



1. Vampires, defined as a humanoid being that MUST consume blood or energy to survive do not exist. Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I "recycle" my own answers instead of retyping them so here goes. A brief discussion of the human digestive system and then the probable vampire population given an exponential growth rate should explain why vampires are not possible.



2. The human body is not designed to process large amounts of blood for nutrition. There is not enough protein, carbohydrates, and fats present in blood to maintain a complex creature such as Homo Sapiens or any theorized offshoot mutations. When a human ingests food it is first broken up into a bolus by chewing, then churned up in the stomach with digestive juices to form a mass called chyme. It then passes through the pylorus into the duodenum, part of the small intestine where it mixes with bile salts and secretions from the pancreas and liver which continue breaking it down on a molecular basis, mostly affecting fats at this point. The broken down nutrients pass through the wall of the intestines and into the bloodstream where they are carried to each cell or stored for later use. Indigestible bulk continues through the intestines, turning a dark brown from the bile. Water is absorbed from this mass in the large intestine depending on the needs of the body - a well-hydrated person will usually have a softer stool than a dehydrated person will. Water also enters the bloodstream, and this is what helps to maintain blood pressure. The pressure tends to balance itself in a healthy person because the bloodstream goes through a formation in the kidney called the Loop of Henle, where the narrowing blood vessel forces excess water and cellular waste such as urea out through the cellular wall into the kidneys, where it is excreted through the ureters into the bladder, and then out of the body via the urethral passageway.



3. IMPORTANT - A person physically unable to process his own food for nutrition therefore also could not process blood - it's the same process. Ingested blood does not transmit directly to the veins anyway - it would be chemically broken down by the digestive system.



4. Theoretical ingestion of blood to supply these nutrients would therefore have to occur at least once a day, and would require the ingestion of the entire blood supply which could not happen as the stomach is far too small to hold that much liquid volume. Hold up your clenched fist - under normal conditions your stomach is about that size. Furthermore, such a mass would be difficult to pass thru the intestines as it has no fibrous bulk, would create an intestinal impaction, causing massive vomiting from the large concentration of iron present, and any "real" vampire would have to eventually expel the waste, which would come out as a black, tarry, smelly goo, just as stool does when blood is present from a upper GI bleed.



5. These humans that affect the whole "vampiric lifestyle" are NOT vampires. They are simply humans playing their own little game, in their own little fantasy world, usually pandering to their own little sexual fetish, which may or may not actually be sexual. I too, play my own little game, in the SCA, but mine is a game where the deeds that I do are determined by the strength of my arm and sword - I am a warrior, with just as much skill and ability as any warrior of ancient times. The difference is that I am claiming to be something physically possible: a warrior, and I prove it everytime I strap on my armor and walk onto a SCA battlefield. The so-called "vampires" are claiming to be something physically impossible: a walking corpse, and all they prove is that black Victorian clothing, a pair of false fangs, and a little makeup make for a good Halloween costume - it does not make you a vampire.



6. Even if a vampire feeds once a week, and his victim also becomes a vampire, that is exponential growth, with four iterations a month. First iteration: One makes one, total two. Second iteration: Two make two, total four. Third iteration: Four make four, total eight. Fourth iteration: Eight make eight, total sixteen. 16 vampires at the end of one month, 256 at the end of the second month, 4096 by the end of the third month, 65,536 by the end of the fourth month, 1,048,476 at the end of the fifth, and 33,572,832 vampires at the end of half a year! By way of comparison, there are currently approximately 33 million people who have HIV/AIDS and the disease is a world-wide epidemic. I see people every day in the hospital with AIDS, but never has there been one documented case of a vampire attack. Do the math - vampires are a mathematical impossibility.

As for the idea that vampires existed "a long time ago" consider the estimated global population 5,000 years ago - using the above mathematical rationale, a single vampire could have converted every human on the globe in less than six months. This falls therefore, under the logic of Occam's Razor - which states that when you have removed every impossible answer, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Since there is no "vampiric plague" swarming the earth, the logical deduction is that they don't exist.



7. Point of clarification about "vampire" bats: vampire is simply the name we have given them because they do drink blood, same as a flea, mosquito, leech, or spider. Are these creatures vampires? No. They are living creatures, not legendary monsters. They can subsist on blood because of their smaller size and proportionately larger stomach volume. Drinking blood does not make you a vampire anymore than eating raw meat makes you a werewolf, although it might make you a mosquito.



8.The humans who profess to be vampires are victims of an all-encompassing self induced delusion. They are as human as you or I, regardless of their claims, and if they ingest HIV tainted blood they can most certainly contract the disease, esp. if they have any cuts, sores, or lesions in and or around their mouth. It is a very dangerous delusion to be laboring under. Note that there is absolutely no scientific or medical proof that these people derive any benefit at all from the ingestion of blood, and even worse are the so-called "psychic" vampires, because their delusion is one that they cannot substantiate with any concrete evidence at all.



9. There is no "vampire" gene. People are not "born" as vampires. When a woman goes to the hospital for prenatal care there are many tests done on mother and child, even while still in the womb, to check for many things, including genetic anomalies that result in deformities and birth defects. If such a gene existed, in today's world with today's technology it would have been found - we have already completely sequenced the human genome. It would also have to follow Mendel's law of dominant/recessive gene theory. Again, the odds on that many "vampires" all escaping the notice of the medical/scientific community are so low as to be almost nonexistent. The idea that there is a global "vampire community" engaging in controlled breeding to keep the "bloodline pure" is delusional in the extreme.



10. There is no "vampire virus" - as I have already pointed out, HIV is a virus, and look at how fast it has spread - virtually everyone knows someone with the affliction. According to the "vampire websites" there are "thousands" of vampires running around. If that was so then at least one of them has ended up in a hospital for bloodwork when they became pregnant, had a bloodborne infection, was injured in a car wreck, etc, etc, ad nauseum. The anomaly would have been detected and medical science would have isolated it, studied it, applied for research grants on it, published papers on it, and turned it into the talk of the medical and scientific community, as well as making its "discoverers" celebrities and rich beyond their dreams. A virus cannot alter your DNA in such a radical fashion without killing you.
тωιѕтє∂ωяєη
2010-01-17 20:04:12 UTC
Jesus Christ. Youre 13 years old you should know the difference between make believe and what's real. VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL. The only 'real' vampires are people with a sick obsession with drinking blood. They dont need it to survive or maintain life, they do it because they want to. Oh and did you know that if you have too much blood in your stomach you can start profusely vomiting everywhere? Bet you didnt. Oh and those fangs? They are done by a dentist, they don't just magically appear. You need to grow up little girl and start learning about real ****. Oh and by the way, I can bite through metal with my teeth, do you think I'm a vampire? Because I'm not. You;re the one who's wrong. Vampires are not real kid. Stop reading ******* Twilight and go do your damn homework so you can hope to actually do something worth while with your life.



An endangered species...youve got to be ******* kidding me. Grow up kid. Grow up right now because this is ******* ridiculous. There are no such thing as vampires. There are people who pretend and think they vampires, but they are just humans who have mental problems. Im guessing you researched this on the internet, right? Did you know you're only supposed to believe about 1/4 of everything you read or see on the internet and then you're still only supposed to believe it when you have other reliable sources BESIDES the internet. I'm sorry but you are down right stupid.



Oh and vampreys, whatever the hell your name is, you're just as ignorant as this little girl. It's no wonder our world is such a **** hole with people like this populating it.
Cassius Cassindras
2010-01-20 03:10:09 UTC
I will take this question seriously for your sake.



When your a real vampire do fangs really pop out of your gums? ( because those sharp teeth everyone has i can bite a water bottle and make holes.)

~ No they dont. Most of them dont even have fangs to begin with but coincidental dental figures. My partner is a psy vampire and his teeth are normal. So is his curious close friends. However, my canines lean forward and at an angle curiously giving them the shape of fangs. I just file them to suit the angle so as to suit me better. However, I do know one who has exact organic fangs to the point its hard to not to look away. Though she is also something else entirely and quite powerful psychically.



Are there vampires all around us?

~ Yes and no. There arent many of us but you may bump shoulders with one now and again. However you most likely cant tell since you arent vampire hence you cant tell the energy/ aural differences.



Are vampires really what hollywood made them out to be?

~HELL NO. Please do me the favor and forget every notion of that in hollywood. Although perhaps some minor details may be accurate, movies and hollywood in itself is an insult to me and to my fellow brethren. So if you ever want to meet one take care as to not insult them with that type of disgusting garbage (if they even choose to talk to you) I am an awakened sanguine/psy vampire so any more questions you have I will answer for your sake. I prefer going by the name Mormon. Pleased to meet you.



And as an answer for the main question. *sigh* Unfortunatly no. You cannot become a vampire. You are born with it only to awaken (if even so) at a later date which varies person to person.
Roberto
2010-01-17 18:32:33 UTC
This is a desire of many as they grow up and some maintain it throughout their lives, in answer to your question the only way would be to meet a real vampire and get them to 'turn' you as it were into one of their own.



Of course one could ask what their motivation to do this would be, I mean most people who wish to be Vampires are completely unsuited to the lifestyle and often fit the profile of a psychotic maniac who only wish to have superhuman strength and feel sexy as they take the life of the lowly mortals.



I could see for instance Vampires wishing to adopt you into a clan or their group or whatever if you displayed a particular brilliance in any particular field and they felt that you would be an asset and do not wish your knowledge to die as you can do so much more through immortal study. I cannot however see many vampires wishing to add you to their coterie based on the "I want to bite holes in a water bottle" curriculum vitae...
ツSuper Smiley Rainbowsツ
2010-01-17 19:02:21 UTC
There are two ways to become a vampire. 1.) Get bitten by another vampire or 2.) Worship the Devil faithfully. I'm guessing you wouldn't choose number 2, so to get bitten you must summon a vampire to make it bite you.



However, vampires are an underground culture. They don't surround us and go to high school like in Twilight. To summon a vampire, one must go deep into the forest at night during a full moon, when they hunt. Be cautious. Leave it an offering of blood, and if it's accepted, it will be gone tomorrow.



You may have to leave blood out each month until vampires decide that you would be an able hunter. If you are finally accepted into a coven, while you are leaving blood, a vampire will turn you (it is painful, and you'll have to recover for days) and take you back to his coven.



I don't know where you'll get the blood, but if you're serious, then you better get it.
Pighi
2010-01-17 18:35:50 UTC
How To Become A Real Vampire:

Many Different Methods-All Easy And In Less Than 10 Steps!



Method 1:



Step 1: Find a real vampire, at your local cemetery.

Step 2: Offer him a nice, juicy, full-of-blood animal.

Step 3: As he/she is about to reach for the animal, throw it over your shoulder and say, "Psych!"

Step 4: The vampire will bite you, turning you into a vampire.



Method 2:



Step 1: Join a church.

Step 2: Sin against it- Practice black magic, OR summon spirits. It's your choice!!!

Step 3: Make your sins public to the church!

Step 4: Have pitchforks and torches ready, and hand them out to anyone who has taken Angry Mob 101!

Step 5: Relax and let them turn you into a vampire!
Be free with chemistry
2010-01-17 19:43:56 UTC
Okey dokey, to become a real vampire you must follow these steps:



Step 1: Abandon reality. It's obviously impossible to become a fictional creature unless you are completely insane.

Step 2: Find one. I recommend one of the real ones, not a Stephanie Meyer travesty.

Step 3: Persuade the vampire to bite you, but protest that they shouldn't drink all of your blood because you just ate a poisonous mushroom (Remember: you're insane. Anything's possible.)

Step 4: Voila! You are now a vampire! Revel in your creepiness and the insanity that defines you!
anonymous
2014-09-16 20:27:45 UTC
Go to KFC and order a large bucket of chicken once you have gotten the chicken go to the bathroom there. DO NOT GO TO ANY OTHER BATHROOM IT WONT WORK!!! Once you are in the bathroom find any stall (preferable a empty one) and flush all the chicken down the toilet. Make sure it all goes down or it wont work. And within a few hours you will become a legit vampire. Good luck.
meg
2010-01-21 11:48:45 UTC
First thing:

You need a little help because they were NEVER real vampires and never will be.

Second thing:

You you became a vampire you will be damned to hell
anonymous
2010-01-17 19:25:54 UTC
When you ask a question like this,how do you expect people to take you seriously?

Stop reading Twilight

If vampires were real,they would be bloodthirsty and nothing like Edward.
tree
2010-01-17 18:26:40 UTC
Real vampires are sad and lost creatures who live off of others



They do not sparkle in the sunlight -- they burn and turn to ash



They have no chance for redemption -- they do not live forever
Kieri
2010-01-17 18:25:57 UTC
How about this? When you find a way to actually become a fictional beastie, you come tell US.



I wanna be a unicorn, or failing that, a jenglot.
Creepy Guy In 104
2010-01-17 19:58:42 UTC
Are the voices in you head saying things like this? Because if they are you need help.
Paradox
2010-01-17 19:07:52 UTC
die first then claw your way out of your grave and go on a bloody rampage. make sure you do your parents first
?
2010-01-18 13:38:37 UTC
to become a vampire you must drinka vampires blood but vampire DONT have speed or strenght or super natural powers and cant cure illnesses.
cow
2010-01-17 19:06:15 UTC
hold on let me just shine the lord bearclaw signal
sm0kedab0mb
2010-01-17 20:32:47 UTC
shutup travis YOU need help. anyway yes they do surrond us, who's to say that your already not a vampire. Hmmmmmmm. O_o p.s. horror 1.**** you!!!2.STOP cussing i know i just did but COME ON SERISOLY 3.and vampires are fricken real and when this girl finds out what she needs to become a vampire ..... SHE'S COMING FOR YOU!!!!! /=D
?
2010-01-17 18:26:20 UTC
omg when your done going through puperty your gunna look back on this question you asked and laugh lol maybe u should try going and getting bit by a bat?
Stuie
2010-01-17 19:24:31 UTC
it looks as though you've chosen an alternate reality.
mrknowitall
2010-01-17 18:20:47 UTC
just find a way to contract Porphyria.
anonymous
2010-01-17 20:06:21 UTC
contact a psychologist
Chris G
2010-01-17 18:45:06 UTC
I don't know. I study zombification, myself.
Fooger
2010-01-17 20:02:10 UTC
eat a magickal piece of turd
Autumn K
2010-01-17 18:21:13 UTC
i think you have read too many stephenie meyer books. why would you want to be a mythical creature?
anonymous
2010-01-17 23:25:45 UTC
Smoke Some Pot :)


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